I’ve been going to church.
This may not sound like a big deal. But it’s a big deal to me.
I first wrote about my faith back when I shared the news about Everett. He is my moment. He is my sign. He is my blessing. Everything about him has brought me to where I am on this journey right now. I am not sure where I would be if it was not for him. The clarity and desire and open-mindedness is a direct result of his existence. I have no doubt.
During my infertility struggles, I prayed for the first time. Like, really meant it when I prayed. I challenged “God.” I wasn’t exactly a believer, but I had no other hope. Show me I have a reason to believe you exist. I struggle. I have always struggled. Show me I can’t help but believe.
& He gave me a baby.
I prayed while I was pregnant. PRAYED. Give me the gift of this beautiful child and I will give back anything you want to this world. I will do the work you see fit for me. I am not ungrateful.
& He gave me Everett.
And then I didn’t sleep for nine months. & I had no help. & no patience. & no idea how I was going to survive. I had no time for me. No time to do anything but sleep and nurse and cook and clean and care for my babies. And I felt like a total failure.
& yet, somehow, my blog reached record readership.
All while I had tears welling up in my sandpaper eyes hourly and the darkest under eye circles you could imagine.
But this is no coincidence. There is no doubt in my mind. Not for a second, that this is all an orchestration beyond my control. All that time I spent wondering why this blog existed and why I am doing this and what on Earth this was all for is crystal clear. This blog is not about money. This blog is not about photography. Not about my kids. Not about anything I can show you.
This blog is my mission.
My struggles seem to resonate with some of you. Remind you that you are not alone. & hopefully help you find better ways to do things or cope with things in your home. Maybe some of you just pop over to learn how to make a better hard boiled egg, but some of you are struggling, just like me.
This mom job is hard. & this blog is a joy. It felt like less than that for a while, but things are coming full circle.
You see, I was so exhausted that I decided (don’t judge) that an hour of church without a needy baby in my arms seemed like a really good way to spend yet another day without a husband around. So I dropped my kids off with the sweet childcare workers at church & headed in. But what happened was life changing.
“Align your life with the will of the Father, and the power of the Holy Spirit will carry you through” he said, and it all made sense.
I am on a very personal path. I love the church I go to. LOVE. I love going alone. I love seeing my friends there, who have all played a part in this journey. This is MY time to sort out MY feelings and questions in the warmest church environment that I’ve ever experienced. I am moved beyond anything I’ve felt before. The sermons are relevant and poignant and inspiring. I’ve needed this in my life. Big time. This is a season when a lot seems really hard. But each time I go to church, I feel like I can make it through the week again. & I am inspired.
& blessed. So blessed. These two little miracles have shaped me into exactly the person I am meant to be. & this image is the first in some changes around here. styleberry as you know it is getting a makeover. A simplification. A lighter, brighter feel. Right now it’s in my head, but it will make its way out soon. xoxo.
Illustration by Noomie Doodles (so amazing!)
Images by Kate L Photography (isn’t she great?!)
Live stream from Oak Hills Church, home of THE Max Lucado
& I’ll leave you with this. It feels like the OHC anthem. It is so beautiful and I can’t get enough of it.