Creatively Stuck

Are you here? Or is it just me?

I don’t know what it is. But I am stuck. I can’t move. I can’t make. I can’t even start. It’s scary and there is no plan and I have no idea where to begin. I don’t know where I am going. There is so much I want to learn but I cannot seem to think of anything, all at the same time.

Where do I start? How do I make the first move? I mean, why should I? I’m busy. I have a house to maintain. There are dishes to do, laundry to fold, and a lawn to mow. How dare I take time to make something, that, in the words of Elizabeth Gilbert, “matters enormously, and it doesn’t matter at all.”

styleberry_big magic

Are you with me?

Who I am as a person has always been more than my daily tasks. At my core I am a maker, a creative, and a lover of color and craft. During this quieter season of “daily essentials” I have continued on my path as an admirer of beautiful work, but I have not been the one creating it. & it’s chipping away at my soul. There is something in me that is begging to be released. My creativity is killing me, and pushing me forward all at the same time.

I recently went back to counseling again, which I have always talked about here, as a positive part of my life. I will continue to believe that there is not an ounce of shame, but rather great strength, in seeking out counseling to improve managing our lives and working on becoming better people. (note to my fellow military spouses, counseling is a completely covered benefit under Military One Source!!) I was recently listening to Brene Brown’s Rising Strong on a long road trip I took with my kids, and constantly heard stories of her and her therapist’s journey. Why can’t we welcome professional help openly & deem it a sign of great strength? Don’t we all want to be better? Do better? Well I do. & what I know is that my counselors through the years have helped me connect the dots in ways I couldn’t myself. & recently, my creative block has been a big part of my work in therapy. To be more specific, why am I NOT being creative? How is this impacting my life, and the lives of the other people under my roof that have to deal with my pent up creativity? & probably, most importantly, do my talents have to generate income, for me to believe they are a valuable part of my life? 

That’s a biggie right there. Did you see it?

Do my talents have to generate income, for me to believe they are a valuable part of my life? 

Well, I know the answer. But it was really hard to admit it. & sometimes, it IS really hard to do something and deem the work valuable if it only serves you. But here’s what I am learning: it doesn’t only serve me. My creative work makes me shine. Like, from the inside, because it makes me so happy. It gives me an outlet that I don’t have while being a mom or a wife or a yogi or anything else. It gives me a sense of self that is greater than my more routine roles. It may not be paid work right now (and that is ok!!) but when I am ready, and find the path that makes sense in the future, it probably could be.

styleberry _creative

I think this is one of the great problems that we moms who leave the work force to raise our kids run into–what deserves our time and attention, aside from our great big job with no paycheck? What defines us, beyond being a mother? and a wife? and a chef and lawn mower and house cleaner? You know what I mean. What makes us happy, and puts us in to that incredible state of flow that Csikszentmihalyi wrote about. I remember reading his book in college and spending all my time in the art studio wondering if this feeling, the one I get when I am creating, is what he meant.

See, this creating. It’s always in there. Yearning, longing. It must find its way out.

I have all these ideas for businesses and working and generating income, but I am going to just let it be for now. I am just going to make. & what comes of that, I don’t yet know–but something will. Because this is the journey. It’s part of my story. Like this blog outlet that I created almost ten years ago while I had a “real job” and was earning a great salary (which, thanks to saving, allows me the opportunity to stay home with my kids), but left me feeling completely unfulfilled.  Then the color consulting business, that turned into a photography business that turned back into just a blog and then babylogs, before I stepped away & hit pause. It’s not all for nothing. & after this podcast (episode #1) socked me in the gut, I am even more convinced. Each part has brought me to this place of discomfort. & maybe, as Brene Brown says, it’s this face down moment when I can see the clearest.

& all I can see, is color and paint and patterns and textures and creation.

So I went to my favorite coffee shop and finally dove into a calligraphy kit that I ordered two years ago. & it felt SO good. I had a moment of flow in my day, and you know what?

Everyone around me felt my joy. & my peace.

It’s not just for me. It makes me the best me.

& everyone benefits from that.

https://instagram.com/p/8XW7-TtCBR/?taken-by=statelytype

Beautiful lettering above by Stately Type, one of my favorite IG accounts and an awesome pair of makers. We love their work & t-shirts!

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Hi! Hello! I am Shawna, the founder of Styleberry Blog. This creative corner of the internet has become a learning haven for moms and creatives, offering a warm and encouraging nudge to those who wish to be better and do better, but often don't know where to start. From Decorating to DIY to Diapers and Paleo-ish Dishes, I strive to make the complicated simple and empower women to take action beyond their personal comfort zone. I subscribe to the Shine Theory & so strongly believe that we shine when the women around us shine and mutual support—lifting up instead of tearing down--will always be the culture here. Are you in? I hope so! Beyond the computer, I run Styleberry Creative where I work with clients to create low fuss, high function spaces that are pretty and practical in San Antonio, Texas and beyond. I LOVE making a house a home. My own studs out renovation is now complete and I am now back to working with clients. Please don't hesitate to drop me a line if you'd like to work together! I hope you’ll join me on this fun new adventure! Xo.