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52:3 | science

Metadata: f/2.8, 1/320, ISO 500

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This project is keeping me sane right now. I have so many emotions running through my head & sharing them in an artistic way is helping me cope. I can’t seem to talk about this stuff…but I can write and use my camera as my voice.

As you can guess, my infertility is at the forefront of my mind. Yesterday, what I thought would be a 20 minute appointment with my Reproductive Endocrinologist ended up becoming a 2 hour long series of testing. I am left with all these big scary words and statistics running through my head & causing a giant lump in my throat every time I try & talk about it. So I am not talking about it yet. But I know I am not alone in these emotions. Many of you have shared these same feelings. It really sucks. It’s pretty shitty. & it hurts my heart to think I might not be able to give my husband a son, or my daughter a sibling. All I can think of are those big scary words & really ugly numbers that I heard over & over in the sterile exam rooms.

I’m starting to grip reality. My daughter was a miracle. & in the end, I am so very lucky to have her. While I certainly want to have another child, really, I am lucky to have had one at all. But we will try, with help, until I cannot emotionally take it anymore. Because we are fighters. & we make fighters. I have to think that my daughter’s persistence came from mine…& we’ll try, try again. Because that is what this family does.

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& here are the linkys to all of you who are doing this with me!

Be sure to let me know if I missed you by adding a comment to this post. I promise to add you, as long as you link me back! (& do let me know if the link needs editing)

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  • Michele @ Healthy Cultivations - This is beautiful… gives me goosebumps actually. I pray for you that science creates the miracle of another child.ReplyCancel

  • Charlie - Bless your heart. My heart aches for you, and I am praying for you and your family during this struggle. I admire your strength and ability to put all of your emotions into words and beautiful pictures. It.Will.Happen.ReplyCancel

  • Lilliana - Shawna, so much about you inspires me that it’s hard to know where to start so I’ll just say this, “thank you” for sharing in whatever way your heart lets you. Hearing about your journey helps so many of us: whether it’s home made baby food or cloth diapers or decorating or cooking or simply enjoying motherhood and being in love with your family… you are an inspiration and and a creative soul! All the best to you and your family today and always.ReplyCancel

  • Chelsea McCown - You’ve already heard my words, but thank you for being an amazingly strong woman who is willing to share. And I pray it never gets to the stage where it’s too emotionally hard to continue. That’s a very bad place. Good luck, my friend.ReplyCancel

  • Renee Booe - Praying for you guys. I have so many friends that struggle with infertility and it breaks my heart. Hang in there girl.ReplyCancel

  • Jen G - You’re right, it can be shitty. And it does suck. You are strong and brave and you know that your courage is helping you push though this. Know you are helping lots of others by sharing your story. I’ve walked in those shoes before and they are not a fun place to be (I still remember the day they took 15 vials of blood from me! And then the results of it all). Use your strength now to help you get through this and remember it’s ok to be weak some days and cry too. I love your picture this week, I pray your battle is short.ReplyCancel

  • shannel - many prayers and much support to you on this difficult and challenging journey. you give so much to so many through this blog, and all I can hope to offer in return and in gratitude are my positive thoughts and prayers.ReplyCancel

  • Michell Adams - Praying for you and your family. God is our provider – He has given you skilled physicians who will look after you guys. I pray for peace for you.ReplyCancel

  • Katie Clay - This is such an amazing example of how a photo can speak volumes. So well done, Shawna. Sending thoughts and prayers your way —ReplyCancel

  • Erin Weilert - My heart aches for you, but I’m so proud of you for staying strong! We will add your name to our nightly prayers! :)ReplyCancel

  • Stefanie Meyer - I share your fears. Even though Dash is so new I can’t help but wonder if we will have to go through all the heartache, testing, and the pills again. I know other women have had it worse than me but I still remember the 3 years of tears and resentment. The only answer is to keep fighting. Best wishes.ReplyCancel

  • Jennifer - Very moving picture. (((hugs)))ReplyCancel

  • Shannon - Shawna-don’t give up!!!! check out the company Standard Process and then do a search to find a practitioner in your area. specifically look for someone who does muscle testing. i was told my traditional medical specialists that my horrific arthritis would never go away.

    they were wrong because every problem in the body is caused by SOMETHING! traditional medicine just treats symptoms and prescribes meds making the pharm. companies bagillionaires. in the meantime, very few people actually get better.

    my condition turned out to be related to two seperate, low-lying and long-standing infections. we treated the infections, then treated the damage caused by the infections and i was back to me again. it takes TIME. i did not feel like myself for 6 months! i returned to normal and then got pregnant by complete suprise. while fertility wasn’t my issue, my doctor told me when i called to tell him that i was pregnant, that it is common for women to get pregnant once they get rid of infections.

    it is different for everyone but my guess is, there is something going on in your body that has not yet been discovered yet. i hope i don’t sound like a quack here. i just hate seeing people suffer as I know full well how difficult suffering is. just something for you to investigate. what i learned through my ordeal is that I need to take charge of my health and my ultimate healing.

    also, it is very important to note that i fully attribute my healing to God. he brought some people into my life in really strange ways that pointed me in the direction of finding the real problem. my other bottom line is, pray and ask God to do a miracle. he will!ReplyCancel

  • Megan - This brought tears to my eyes – my heart aches for you and I think of you often and say a little prayer – you know I feel your pain. I continue to admire your strength and even if you can’t speak now your images and words you write speak volumes!ReplyCancel

  • Lindsay - I know that it is very hard. No one knows exactly what we go through, unless you’ve been through it. I just had my 2nd daughter two months ago, there were many struggles with fertility along the way for both pregnancies. I know exactly how you feel with it on your mind 24/7. Please stay positive that another miracle will happen again for you. ((hugs))

    On another note, you have permission to hate every pregnant girl you see. Kidding, but that’s just about how I felt during my struggles.ReplyCancel

  • Rosina - {{{hugs}}}. I’m glad that this project is keeping you sane. Like many have said, don’t give up!ReplyCancel

  • annie - i was telling my husband about (as much as i know) your situation and started crying! i am praying constantly that another miracle happens for you. if it happens once it can happen again. i know it! i’m so sorry you have to go through this shawna and i admire you for putting your feelings out there. thinking about you lots!!ReplyCancel

  • The Up North Writer Mama - You amaze me by your ability to make this post, about something so difficult, absolutely beautiful. I have a feeling that your daughter will get more than her persistence from you.ReplyCancel

  • Janalin - You have written this beautifully… prayers continue for you!! xoxo JReplyCancel

  • -shawna- - thank you ALL for the love, prayers & support. it means the world. :)ReplyCancel

  • Katie H. - I got a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes when I read this post. I’m proud of you for putting your experiences out there to help other women who are struggling. Though it might not seem like it now, God is putting you to use through this experience and He will reward you. Have faith and you will perserver! <3 Love you hun!ReplyCancel

  • Wendy - This post made me tear up.. The ability of the human body to adapt to anything amazes me every day and with modern medicine, I don’t see why you couldn’t have another child, despite statistics… If it is meant to be, it will happen.. with a little help..but it will happen! Hope you are feeling better. =)ReplyCancel

  • Kendall stoy - Been there, wish I had the guts, creativity, and grace to express it like you are now. I adore you! Lots of prayers!ReplyCancel

  • Chelsea McCown - What book is this?? I would love to read it….ReplyCancel

  • Lisa Willis - Thank you for sharing your story. I continue to be floored by the number of amazing women who struggle with (in)fertility. I wish you all the joy in the world & will keep you in my thoughts.ReplyCancel

  • Melanie Verlatti - My dear friend Shawna,

    Don’t let the R.E. visit discourage you. As you know I too have been through this journey, and our chances of conceiving our second were 0.25% on our own, and look at what we have now:)It was a year and a half of clomid, Artificial Inseminations, one round of IVF and 2 Frozen Embryo Transfers with 2 miscarriages (one lasting 3 months) before we finally concieved my second baby totally naturally. I am always here for you if you want to chat, ask questions or anything b/c I know the journey can be long, frustrating, and isolating. I am praying with you and for you my friend and know God has a plan for your family. Stay positive and know it will work out!=)ReplyCancel

  • Stephanie - I cannot imagine…I got frustrated just because I wanted to have my second child in the summer and we missed the mark. I will never take my fertility for granted.

    I hope you get everything you are hoping for…ReplyCancel

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