project 52:1 | messy

Aw. She is getting SO BIG!

yes. she is. [sad face] It goes too fast.

time for another one! right?

This is what has convinced me to do this project. Conversations like these. Which I seem to be having every single day.

I know they all mean well. Everyone asking for “news.” Asking when caroline is going to get a sibling. Begging for the inside information. Well here’s a newsflash: I do not control my ovaries. nor my uterus. I didn’t three years ago & I am reminded over & over that I still have no control. I had a mirena for six months. And then I didn’t. And my hopes for it being easy the second time around swiftly went out the window. So if there is news…you will most certainly not have to ask me. Because I will be glowing.

On to baby making round two. In a doctor’s office. Awesome.

I questioned whether to be open or closed about my [in]fertility. I was very closed the first time around. Extremely private. I was not at a place where I could talk about it because the fear that I would never become a mother was the greatest sorrow I could think of & talking about it openly seemed like it would be more of a detriment to my mental health than a benefit. But once I did open up, I found support. Support at a time that felt like the loneliest time in my life. Everyone around me was pregnant. Seemingly the second they decided they wanted to be. & I was just sad. and angry. and frustrated. & it all put me in a very bad place. But I am not there anymore. Because I get to be a mom. I don’t know how many babes will call me that, but one is enough to be plenty grateful for.

Everyone around me is pregnant again. But this time, I can be happy. I do not wish the struggle of infertility on anyone. It sucks. It hurts. But now, I can be a supporter. Maybe I will need support again, we’ll see how it all goes. But for now, I open up about this in an effort to encourage those who struggle. To tell you that you are not alone. & it does suck. & no one ever says the right thing because no one ever can.

So, Project 52. When reading about themes on the website, I liked the idea of finishing this off as a coffee table book filled with 52 images that somehow went together. I knew I needed to find a cohesive way to weave my story. & I needed it to be something deeper than just another picture of my daughter. Because I take those all the time. I need to push myself to find beauty in the un-beautiful. & there is a lot of un-beautiful in my life right now.

So I have a theme. I have a purpose. This is going to be a documentary. Just in case I never get to experience this phase of life as a mother again. Hopefully, I am being pessimistic, but it’s easier for me to expect the worst & be pleasantly surprised than to carry on hoping for something I cannot control. In any case, I am going to be forced to find things about motherhood that I want to remember, that otherwise would go undocumented. & I think that is pretty neat. These will make up a book someday. & it will sit on my coffee table. & it will remind me of the joy that is this crazy ride full of all kinds of feelings & emotions. I am very excited to share with you…installment #1:

Metadata: f/2.8, 1/125, ISO 6400

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Are you doing a Project 52? Will you link below? Can’t wait to see what you all look at through your lens!

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Hi! Hello! I am Shawna, the founder of Styleberry Blog. This creative corner of the internet has become a learning haven for moms and creatives, offering a warm and encouraging nudge to those who wish to be better and do better, but often don't know where to start. From Decorating to DIY to Diapers and Paleo-ish Dishes, I strive to make the complicated simple and empower women to take action beyond their personal comfort zone. I subscribe to the Shine Theory & so strongly believe that we shine when the women around us shine and mutual support—lifting up instead of tearing down--will always be the culture here. Are you in? I hope so! Beyond the computer, I run Styleberry Creative where I work with clients to create low fuss, high function spaces that are pretty and practical in San Antonio, Texas and beyond. I LOVE making a house a home. My own studs out renovation is now complete and I am now back to working with clients. Please don't hesitate to drop me a line if you'd like to work together! I hope you’ll join me on this fun new adventure! Xo.