Aw. She is getting SO BIG!
yes. she is. [sad face] It goes too fast.
time for another one! right?
This is what has convinced me to do this project. Conversations like these. Which I seem to be having every single day.
I know they all mean well. Everyone asking for “news.” Asking when caroline is going to get a sibling. Begging for the inside information. Well here’s a newsflash: I do not control my ovaries. nor my uterus. I didn’t three years ago & I am reminded over & over that I still have no control. I had a mirena for six months. And then I didn’t. And my hopes for it being easy the second time around swiftly went out the window. So if there is news…you will most certainly not have to ask me. Because I will be glowing.
On to baby making round two. In a doctor’s office. Awesome.
I questioned whether to be open or closed about my [in]fertility. I was very closed the first time around. Extremely private. I was not at a place where I could talk about it because the fear that I would never become a mother was the greatest sorrow I could think of & talking about it openly seemed like it would be more of a detriment to my mental health than a benefit. But once I did open up, I found support. Support at a time that felt like the loneliest time in my life. Everyone around me was pregnant. Seemingly the second they decided they wanted to be. & I was just sad. and angry. and frustrated. & it all put me in a very bad place. But I am not there anymore. Because I get to be a mom. I don’t know how many babes will call me that, but one is enough to be plenty grateful for.
Everyone around me is pregnant again. But this time, I can be happy. I do not wish the struggle of infertility on anyone. It sucks. It hurts. But now, I can be a supporter. Maybe I will need support again, we’ll see how it all goes. But for now, I open up about this in an effort to encourage those who struggle. To tell you that you are not alone. & it does suck. & no one ever says the right thing because no one ever can.
So, Project 52. When reading about themes on the website, I liked the idea of finishing this off as a coffee table book filled with 52 images that somehow went together. I knew I needed to find a cohesive way to weave my story. & I needed it to be something deeper than just another picture of my daughter. Because I take those all the time. I need to push myself to find beauty in the un-beautiful. & there is a lot of un-beautiful in my life right now.
So I have a theme. I have a purpose. This is going to be a documentary. Just in case I never get to experience this phase of life as a mother again. Hopefully, I am being pessimistic, but it’s easier for me to expect the worst & be pleasantly surprised than to carry on hoping for something I cannot control. In any case, I am going to be forced to find things about motherhood that I want to remember, that otherwise would go undocumented. & I think that is pretty neat. These will make up a book someday. & it will sit on my coffee table. & it will remind me of the joy that is this crazy ride full of all kinds of feelings & emotions. I am very excited to share with you…installment #1:
Metadata: f/2.8, 1/125, ISO 6400
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Are you doing a Project 52? Will you link below? Can’t wait to see what you all look at through your lens!
